First

Friday, September 1 (age 17)

~ I'm starting to fall with this special girl. Simple yet strong, quiet yet courageous, open-minded and happy. Not any ordinary girl, she was different like me with so much uncertainties. In fact we may even belong to each other because of how different we are from everyone else.

~ The only thing that's wrong about this is that I may be the only one who feels this way.

~ We played with what I call a "love game" with her. Though it's not a fling. It's more like pretending that you are both "like" each other in front of your family and friends... But the truth is you only treat each other as friends. A game we both know, but not revealed with each other.

~ As we go along with it, it didn't seem like a game for me anymore. She was the only girl I have ever liked.

~ We held each others hand in public; we watched movies with only the two of us; a date and I met her parents. And we won! They liked me and thought it really was us.

~ An assurance to her parents that she's on the right track in a relationship. And a hint of hope for me to change.

~ I pretended that I didn’t know what was happening, that she was just using me. I was enjoying her company. Then I realized I'm slowly falling for her, though for some reason, I was saddened to the fact that I did. She will never be mine.

~ Nor will there ever be a chance that she might feel the same way towards me.

~ It was a game I almost gambled. I almost told her what I felt; good thing a friend of mine told me that it would all just be complicated, for both of us.

~ But was it really a good thing?

~ I was aware that she's a player. And during the times that I feel something special for her, she was in between two people. Even so, there was still something inside me telling me that I could change her, and that we could BOTH change.


~ I remembered someone courted her, they where friends at first but when the guy started to pursue her... she never talked to him anymore. Though I still thought that it may turn out different between the both of us.

~ But I decided not tell her… I was afraid we would lose our friendship and lose someone I love. So I was the one who decided to drift away.

~ There were times talked on the phone and suddenly I felt smittened again by her charm. I tried to tell her that I'm falling for a certain girl whom I met in school.

~ Obviously, I'm not good at this and I could sense that she thinks I'm referring to her, and i was just using someone else's identity. Though she didn’t asked who the girl was… I forced myself to to tell her the girl I had in my mind.

~ I told her that I could change for that girl; that I would do anything just for her to fall for me…

~ I asked her if she was waiting for someone… she said that she's a bit tired of waiting. Though, I told her to hold on because someone might come to make her feel special again.

~ I thought I let go for what I fell for her… But it all came back in just a snap.

~ I told her I'm leaving the country… that I'm going there because I want to change myself for that girl; physically and emotionally.

~ She was very supportive and told me that I could do it.

~ And I decided to tell her everything once I went back and see a whole new me.

~ For the first time in my life… I'm in the right track.

~ I just hope that she'll wait for me.

~ Maybe this is what love really means. To change for the person you really love, to sacrifice everything for this person, to try to enter in someone else's life and to let yourself love that person.

*I'll change for you… I don’t care if you'll accept me or not when I come back… but I know… I want to change for you… It's what I need more than what I want to do.

I'll do everything for you… Just wait for me…*



~ Could this be really it?... Or something else might happen that could change my entire life... We'll see