nothing in this world is permanent. except for change.

have this journey with me, lets grow together.

Friday, April 30, 2010


Wednesday, November 2(age 16)

~ I think could start to getting better
~ Yes, its true, I wasn’t ready and too much scared of what could happen to me. I thought about things too much that I didn’t thought that I was being unselfish to others but being selfish to myself.
~ Instead of thinking about myself; I saved it for others, I placed myself on a second priority.
~ I lost myself. Now I’m looking for who I really am. Understanding my capabilities, my traits, change myself for the better.
~ Understanding and knowing more about myself are two of the different challenges that have came to me yet.
~ I'm starting anew, place myself on the starting line again.
~ Trying does hurt, but I figured you wont be able to learn and appreciate the outcome in the future if you just give up. Especially if you're just about to give up on yourself.
~ Maybe its about time for me to experience how to love and how to be in-love. I know I'm still young, but I guess if I wouldn't be able to figure that one out I don't think I'd be able to understand what it really is.
~ Maybe I'd give someone a chance to enter my heart, to ease my pain. This is the time where I just want to be happy for myself, thinking not only others but especially myself.
~ Commitment. Maybe that’s the thing that I was looking for, to change my personality from being so dark... To being happy.


Saturday, October 22(age 16)

~I am still in a stage now where I question myself on a lot of things, my existence, my place in this world, and what I should do with myself.
~ It’s whether to face the consequences or to avoid the outcome of my actions. There's still so much to find out.
~ When I lose myself in the heaven of my dreams, or look blankly in a tall dark wall, I imagine myself that I'm with someone... Someone more than a friend. Someone who will change my life from just being lonely, sad, full of self-pity, confusion.
~ But instead, that person will give me comfort, inspiration... love.
~ Then when I wake up, alone staring at nothing but darkness I realize that I can’t be that person in my dreams.
~ I can’t live in that kind of lifestyle.
~ I’m just stuck w/ nothing but me, feeling left out, feeling that this world is against me.
~ In reality, people see me as a person full of laughter, humor, a happy-go-lucky person, strong. But when I’m all alone, I’m a totally different person.
~ Overcoming this self- inflicted pain, this uncertainty really makes me frustrated. Its hard especially when you're all alone and you don't have any materials to use against it.
~ To find who really am I, to be proud of what I have become, and to show what I’m capable to do. That's something I haven't done yet.
~ Sometimes crying needs a certain kind of courage. A courage to show what you really feel, a courage to show who you really are. But I don’t have it. Worst, I thin can’t do it. To burst it out just like that and end it up to that last drop of tears.
~ As I always say “experience is a great teacher, we learn and grow from it." I hope it does.

~I really hope it does.


Wednesday October 19 (age 16)

~ This has been the one of the most confusing day I've ever encountered. I don't know what to do
~ To choose between: being happy for myself, or just make other people happy instead. Like for example my family? Friends?
~ Is it really true that you must first love yourself, before loving someone else?
~ But the counterpart of it is: think of others before thinking about yourself.
~ Is loving yourself really that selfish? Or is it a way to taking care of the life was given to you?
~ Maybe that's the reason why I'm not open myself to and enter a relationship just yet. Maybe because i don't want to see myself crying in front of a mirror for a person whom i loved.
~ Can you really be that scared?
~ Scared of emotional pain?
~ How can you start with so much uncertainties in such a young age?...