Lesson 1: Live

October 10, 2010
(age: ??)

Hello readers! (If there's any! LOL)

You finally get to read about the present me, well not all the time though as we're still going be reading about past me. (Yes us, its great to be able to read about your past and be able to look back and see how different you are in the present.)

This the first of the lesson series to sum up and explain what was happening to me during that time. There'll be more of the lesson series in the future written by "future me" (right now I'm present me so don't get confused, hahaha!) and those to sum up the other future Pieces.

So Lesson 1: LIVE

At that time I was so confused about myself. I was going through a major identity crisis. Though it is true that past me may have fell in love with this certain girl, past me wasn't sure if I was ready for it. My feelings were unstable, this was the time I was trying to prove to myself, well not just to myself but to everybody that I could be like them, that I fit in.

I was so consumed by that idea that I wasn't paying attention of what I was becoming. This lead me to further confusion, I didn't know what I was doing with myself that I wasn't able to point out the difference between misunderstood love to real love.

I wasn't trying to live, I was trying to fit in.

Living, at this point of my life is being able to accept who you are. Its hard sometimes for other people to be able to understand themselves, they just go with the flow being on the safe zone not sure if they're really happy of what's happening to them.

When you live, you yourself understand your self better that anyone else. You have that great certainty and belief in yourself that you can get through anything and true happiness is what you really aim for, and by true happiness is by being able to get what you really need and want to happen in your life.

You make your life easier by just being you.

Finally, I was able to accept who I was regardless what other people might say to me. Though my family still can't accept it up at this point in my life, I have finally accepted it and now I am very proud the be (*drum roll please*)... Gay.

Yes gay, both noun and verb meanings of being gay. I'm happy to be who I am now and by accepting who I am, I am able to live.

I think the reason why I did this blog was to remind myself and be able to share to other people that changes are not something we should be afraid about. The only thing that would matter is that if we change, we turn out to be better persons. Yes we may make the same mistakes that we did in the past but that's what makes us human, its is inevitable for us to make mistakes and learn a lesson after.

Present me looks back not because I want to appreciate more of what I have become and what I have during this time. It's to be able to celebrate the life that luckily I have documented and be able to share it to people and inspire people to laugh at our mistakes, accept change, and to figure things out in your ways as much as past me figured out how to live, present me is still figuring out how to live, and future me will figure out how to live.

How I was able to accept what I've become... more of that in the future Pieces of Ethereal. :)



Oh and I know some of you may be wondering how old I am right now... Well, that's something you guys have to figure out. :D

Gone

Sunday, November 12 (age 18)

~ It was too late…

~ I thought it was easy to move on but it wasn't… That’s why I didn't tell anybody. Besides nobody really knew what I felt for her. It’s been two weeks since I found out that she has someone else now…

~ I was looking for her friendster account, and I see a picture of someone else… The caption says: “My long wait is over…” and the testimonial of that person simply says “You’re mine””

~ It was really easy to understand, She has someone else now. I asked her to wait for me… Though, she did not.

~ I can’t blame her, I mean, it’s not really easy to wait… And I knew that she’s not really that patient. It was just a game.

~ I was horrified with what she did to herself, she cutted her beautiful hair short She never really tried to change as much as I did…

~ I tried to forget everything about her, and focus on just being her friend, but the more I try to forget her, the more she comes back to my mind.

~ Hurting is far more deeper than its words when it hits you.

~ It’s like trapping your own self in an ice cube where you would forever be cold and shivering with pain.

~ It’s like being in a bubble, floating in to thin air, where you can’t hear anyone, and if you try to scream no could ever hear your voice even if you try to scream at the top of your lungs.

~ Or being alone in space, where nobody can see you, where you travel in an endless path of eternity with no destination and that loneliness engulfs your body and your deep soul.

~ I felt stupid for slipping my chance to tell her how I really feel. It was really difficult because I felt that I wasn't the right person for her yet, and the only way to make her fall for me, was to change myself for her.

~ I always look back, I always tell my self “If I only did this” or “If I was just there and told her” but it was all senseless now… Then the word “maybe” turns up…

~ Maybe she’s not the one for me.

~ Holding on was the only way to believe that I was fighting for what I felt for her. But it’s not useful… I don’t stand a chance against her feelings for that person…

~ All I can do now is to let go.

~ I still do love her… but it’s now time to move on…

~ She was the first and only girl I ever loved...