Darkness

Saturday, October 22(age 16)

~I am still in a stage now where I question myself on a lot of things, my existence, my place in this world, and what I should do with myself.
~ It’s whether to face the consequences or to avoid the outcome of my actions. There's still so much to find out.
~ When I lose myself in the heaven of my dreams, or look blankly in a tall dark wall, I imagine myself that I'm with someone... Someone more than a friend. Someone who will change my life from just being lonely, sad, full of self-pity, confusion.
~ But instead, that person will give me comfort, inspiration... love.
~ Then when I wake up, alone staring at nothing but darkness I realize that I can’t be that person in my dreams.
~ I can’t live in that kind of lifestyle.
~ I’m just stuck w/ nothing but me, feeling left out, feeling that this world is against me.
~ In reality, people see me as a person full of laughter, humor, a happy-go-lucky person, strong. But when I’m all alone, I’m a totally different person.
~ Overcoming this self- inflicted pain, this uncertainty really makes me frustrated. Its hard especially when you're all alone and you don't have any materials to use against it.
~ To find who really am I, to be proud of what I have become, and to show what I’m capable to do. That's something I haven't done yet.
~ Sometimes crying needs a certain kind of courage. A courage to show what you really feel, a courage to show who you really are. But I don’t have it. Worst, I thin can’t do it. To burst it out just like that and end it up to that last drop of tears.
~ As I always say “experience is a great teacher, we learn and grow from it." I hope it does.

~I really hope it does.