Lesson 1: Live

October 10, 2010
(age: ??)

Hello readers! (If there's any! LOL)

You finally get to read about the present me, well not all the time though as we're still going be reading about past me. (Yes us, its great to be able to read about your past and be able to look back and see how different you are in the present.)

This the first of the lesson series to sum up and explain what was happening to me during that time. There'll be more of the lesson series in the future written by "future me" (right now I'm present me so don't get confused, hahaha!) and those to sum up the other future Pieces.

So Lesson 1: LIVE

At that time I was so confused about myself. I was going through a major identity crisis. Though it is true that past me may have fell in love with this certain girl, past me wasn't sure if I was ready for it. My feelings were unstable, this was the time I was trying to prove to myself, well not just to myself but to everybody that I could be like them, that I fit in.

I was so consumed by that idea that I wasn't paying attention of what I was becoming. This lead me to further confusion, I didn't know what I was doing with myself that I wasn't able to point out the difference between misunderstood love to real love.

I wasn't trying to live, I was trying to fit in.

Living, at this point of my life is being able to accept who you are. Its hard sometimes for other people to be able to understand themselves, they just go with the flow being on the safe zone not sure if they're really happy of what's happening to them.

When you live, you yourself understand your self better that anyone else. You have that great certainty and belief in yourself that you can get through anything and true happiness is what you really aim for, and by true happiness is by being able to get what you really need and want to happen in your life.

You make your life easier by just being you.

Finally, I was able to accept who I was regardless what other people might say to me. Though my family still can't accept it up at this point in my life, I have finally accepted it and now I am very proud the be (*drum roll please*)... Gay.

Yes gay, both noun and verb meanings of being gay. I'm happy to be who I am now and by accepting who I am, I am able to live.

I think the reason why I did this blog was to remind myself and be able to share to other people that changes are not something we should be afraid about. The only thing that would matter is that if we change, we turn out to be better persons. Yes we may make the same mistakes that we did in the past but that's what makes us human, its is inevitable for us to make mistakes and learn a lesson after.

Present me looks back not because I want to appreciate more of what I have become and what I have during this time. It's to be able to celebrate the life that luckily I have documented and be able to share it to people and inspire people to laugh at our mistakes, accept change, and to figure things out in your ways as much as past me figured out how to live, present me is still figuring out how to live, and future me will figure out how to live.

How I was able to accept what I've become... more of that in the future Pieces of Ethereal. :)



Oh and I know some of you may be wondering how old I am right now... Well, that's something you guys have to figure out. :D

Gone

Sunday, November 12 (age 18)

~ It was too late…

~ I thought it was easy to move on but it wasn't… That’s why I didn't tell anybody. Besides nobody really knew what I felt for her. It’s been two weeks since I found out that she has someone else now…

~ I was looking for her friendster account, and I see a picture of someone else… The caption says: “My long wait is over…” and the testimonial of that person simply says “You’re mine””

~ It was really easy to understand, She has someone else now. I asked her to wait for me… Though, she did not.

~ I can’t blame her, I mean, it’s not really easy to wait… And I knew that she’s not really that patient. It was just a game.

~ I was horrified with what she did to herself, she cutted her beautiful hair short She never really tried to change as much as I did…

~ I tried to forget everything about her, and focus on just being her friend, but the more I try to forget her, the more she comes back to my mind.

~ Hurting is far more deeper than its words when it hits you.

~ It’s like trapping your own self in an ice cube where you would forever be cold and shivering with pain.

~ It’s like being in a bubble, floating in to thin air, where you can’t hear anyone, and if you try to scream no could ever hear your voice even if you try to scream at the top of your lungs.

~ Or being alone in space, where nobody can see you, where you travel in an endless path of eternity with no destination and that loneliness engulfs your body and your deep soul.

~ I felt stupid for slipping my chance to tell her how I really feel. It was really difficult because I felt that I wasn't the right person for her yet, and the only way to make her fall for me, was to change myself for her.

~ I always look back, I always tell my self “If I only did this” or “If I was just there and told her” but it was all senseless now… Then the word “maybe” turns up…

~ Maybe she’s not the one for me.

~ Holding on was the only way to believe that I was fighting for what I felt for her. But it’s not useful… I don’t stand a chance against her feelings for that person…

~ All I can do now is to let go.

~ I still do love her… but it’s now time to move on…

~ She was the first and only girl I ever loved...

First

Friday, September 1 (age 17)

~ I'm starting to fall with this special girl. Simple yet strong, quiet yet courageous, open-minded and happy. Not any ordinary girl, she was different like me with so much uncertainties. In fact we may even belong to each other because of how different we are from everyone else.

~ The only thing that's wrong about this is that I may be the only one who feels this way.

~ We played with what I call a "love game" with her. Though it's not a fling. It's more like pretending that you are both "like" each other in front of your family and friends... But the truth is you only treat each other as friends. A game we both know, but not revealed with each other.

~ As we go along with it, it didn't seem like a game for me anymore. She was the only girl I have ever liked.

~ We held each others hand in public; we watched movies with only the two of us; a date and I met her parents. And we won! They liked me and thought it really was us.

~ An assurance to her parents that she's on the right track in a relationship. And a hint of hope for me to change.

~ I pretended that I didn’t know what was happening, that she was just using me. I was enjoying her company. Then I realized I'm slowly falling for her, though for some reason, I was saddened to the fact that I did. She will never be mine.

~ Nor will there ever be a chance that she might feel the same way towards me.

~ It was a game I almost gambled. I almost told her what I felt; good thing a friend of mine told me that it would all just be complicated, for both of us.

~ But was it really a good thing?

~ I was aware that she's a player. And during the times that I feel something special for her, she was in between two people. Even so, there was still something inside me telling me that I could change her, and that we could BOTH change.


~ I remembered someone courted her, they where friends at first but when the guy started to pursue her... she never talked to him anymore. Though I still thought that it may turn out different between the both of us.

~ But I decided not tell her… I was afraid we would lose our friendship and lose someone I love. So I was the one who decided to drift away.

~ There were times talked on the phone and suddenly I felt smittened again by her charm. I tried to tell her that I'm falling for a certain girl whom I met in school.

~ Obviously, I'm not good at this and I could sense that she thinks I'm referring to her, and i was just using someone else's identity. Though she didn’t asked who the girl was… I forced myself to to tell her the girl I had in my mind.

~ I told her that I could change for that girl; that I would do anything just for her to fall for me…

~ I asked her if she was waiting for someone… she said that she's a bit tired of waiting. Though, I told her to hold on because someone might come to make her feel special again.

~ I thought I let go for what I fell for her… But it all came back in just a snap.

~ I told her I'm leaving the country… that I'm going there because I want to change myself for that girl; physically and emotionally.

~ She was very supportive and told me that I could do it.

~ And I decided to tell her everything once I went back and see a whole new me.

~ For the first time in my life… I'm in the right track.

~ I just hope that she'll wait for me.

~ Maybe this is what love really means. To change for the person you really love, to sacrifice everything for this person, to try to enter in someone else's life and to let yourself love that person.

*I'll change for you… I don’t care if you'll accept me or not when I come back… but I know… I want to change for you… It's what I need more than what I want to do.

I'll do everything for you… Just wait for me…*



~ Could this be really it?... Or something else might happen that could change my entire life... We'll see

Childhood

Monday, August 7 (age 17)

~ Sometimes I wonder that being a child is better that being an adult.
~ As a child you live in a simple and happy-go-lucky life, you don't care about anything that is happening in your society or your surroundings, your happiness seems endless, no problems to think about your emotions and knowledge are limited but that's what make is more exciting.
~ As we grow, we become more aware of our emotions, our feelings, we grow to learn new things and that feelings of accomplishments of no matter how simple those things you have learned, it's like you knew everything that you need to know in this world. We begin to know how important love is, we wake up everyday happy with that huge smile on our faces.
~ We don't even have a single clue what hurting is... We just knew it as a word, or as a word to use when you get a wound or a scratch.
~ I remember how I used to be so excited, enthusiastic and ecstatic about everything.
~ I remember how easy it was for me to make new friends, talk about stuff that don't even exists, talk about cartoons and act out our own funny yet very exciting adventures, we were the main characters and that no matter what happens we have enough courage and fortitude, that good guys will always win against the bad guys.
~ I remember how I used to be so curious about every little things, every little details. The sun, plants, the trees all that my little ebony black eyes could see.
~ I remember how easy it was for me to just laugh about silly things and smile about great things that happens to me.
~ I remember how I used to make people laugh and smile with me.
~ I remember how less complicated my life used to be.
~ But then again, i realized, that this is just the rising action of our life, the second stage in a plot.
~ I'm starting to see the light of growing up, that its not really that bat after all. You're free to do anything as long as its the right thing to do, you get a better view of what life has to offer to you, and a lot more.
~ Although I tried to remember how i looked and act when i was a kid. I did have a normal and happy childhood. But then I also let some simple yet significant opportunities to pass through me realizing that it was important. I wasn't subjected to take risks before, I was just that little helpless me
~ But i don't regret anything that I did and chose, because at the first place its what i wanted to do, and what I think was right. I was vigorously satisfied.
~ Childhood, the exposition of our life, we may never come back but we could always remember the simplicity as a child.
~ This gave me an important inspiration. That as we grow, lets not forget to be childlike, simple, and happy.
~ The exposition: our childhood.
~ Rising Action: our adolescence.
~ Climax: the paramount of our success.
~ Falling action: The quiet and simple life, and the resolution our final stage, our last days in this this world.
~ Our life is a big literature.
~ We could go back to our own stories to rethink about our life.
~ Our childhood is one story, but what makes it more exciting is the fact that we can get our childhood back along with growing up, we could take that simple and happy life that we used to have.
~ Some say that its better to talk to children than adults because they have so much honesty and creativity in what they have got to say, that we may be able to learn something from them.
~ Then if its that so, you may talk to you inner child, he'll know what to do.
~ We have a lot more stages to walk to. More things to discover, learn and experience.
~ I can't wait to see myself growing with a better life, a better me.
~ Great thing is, there's a hint of that little old child of me in those eyes.
~ That at the end I'm still that happy little grown up child.

Performance

Saturday, May 06 (age 16)

~ I've been recently wondering how life for me is very similar with the stage.
~ In a stage, every single performance is special, magical, excellent, grandeur.
~ There's a huge audience that's watching for you, full house, waiting for you to do your best, asking you to effortlessly give you an applause after a great performance.
~ Although, before every performance, there's always the worry, heart pumping fast, nervous of what's going to happen out there.
~ But once you're in that stage, a different feeling comes in. Lightness, Like your heart is telling you that you'd be just fine, and nothing wrong is going to happen, believe in yourself and you'll do great. Then when you go out there in that special stage where it seems that you become a different person.
~ Only to find out that that person is not entirely not you. But a part of you. It could even be the real you. Free to express what you feel and free to be that person you'd want to be.
~ It may also be like a trapeze, you fly, you'll soar and when you fall a partner will come to you, help you stand up, and without any hesitations both of you begins to start yet a better and beautiful performance.
~ A different kind of performance that relates you and your audience, a bond that can't be easily explained.
~ In life, you try to be the best performer of your own stage.
~ Every time your dreams and goals comes true, every single fulfillment that you have been able to achieve no matter how simple it is, you're there standing up with so much pride and vigor hearing your own heart applause for what you've achieved.
~ Whenever you try to take risks, there may be uncertainties. But then you realize that through it all, after all the things you've been through, no matter how long it could take there’s always way out of everything. That you can improvise something up so that you won't be able to miss a line, or a point in your life.
~ You just have to follow your heart and believe in yourself.
~ Sometimes you'll fail, you'll fall down, it could even be hard but then a friend, family, or someone really special will help you through it and help you to stand up and tell you that there's always a second chance. Prove yourself that you've become better and you're ready to suck it all up.
~ Our lives have its share of ups and downs. But the best thing in our lives is to give out the perfect performance.
~ The audience of our lives are people who loves us the most, our inspiration.
~ Always remember to give your best performance, like it is the last performance of our lives. Live your everyday life like it was your last day here on Earth.
~ That no matter how much drama or tragedy, no matter how much fantasy or comedy your life is, it still is an adventure; a stage for you to sketch, to write the lines of which ever you want to say or however you'd want to people tell what your life is about and what you have become.
~ Our lives is similar to that stage.
~ This is how life special, magical, excellent, grandeur.

Change

Thursday, March 30 (age 16)

~ I'm on to something new.
~ I just realized, that molding myself to become a better person is better than looking for the old ‘me’ whom I lost a thousand years ago.
~ Yes, I changed. But at least I know that I changed better than the than the ‘me’ I was looking for.
~ Now I painting a new portrait of myself from the colors of my life.
~ I keep on learning which made me the person whom I am now. Its a whole new me.
~ I'm more comfortable with myself, understand myself more and accept who I am now and what I want to be.
~ I didn't entirely gave my old self up. Some of the hold habits and good traits are still here.
~ Now I'm up for more new challenges in life.
~ I tell myself that a lot of times life leads us to different struggles, but have you ever asked yourself that without these struggles we won’t be able to learn how to become a better person? A better you?
~ Back then I was trying to choose between the decisions of both my heart and my mind. But then I realized that choosing between my heart and mind just makes things more complicated.
~ I suddenly realized that if I were to choose myself and just decide to love myself more rather than just confuse my self over contradicting mental and emotional decisions, I may be able to free myself out of uncertainty and despair.
~ That I can live my life the way I wanted to with both happiness and peace of mind.
~ Then I came up with these questions: Why search if you haven’t learned anything from your journey? And what’s the use of knowledge if you don’t know the true meaning of your life?
~ They're not that hard to answer...
~ Learning is better than searching, and lessons are better than knowledge.

Letting go

Saturday, February 18 (age 16)

~ ”How can I forget the person I love?”
~ That’s the question that's always have been recently pooping out form some people that I know.
~ In my opinion, we can never ‘forget’ the person we loved even though they have caused us so much pain.
~ Forgetting is not the answer. That person also became a part of your memories, your life. We can’t give up a piece of that memory. Even if it is so painful, we could never forget.
~ All we have to do is to let that love fade away. It takes time yes, but once it fades you’ll feel that a heavy burden is lifted off you.
~ Just live normally. Continue with your own life. It’s not the end of your life.
~ Always look at the bright side. Think that maybe it didn’t work because he/she is not the one for you.
~ Cry if you want to, but make sure that once you cried for that person you should let all those tears out.
~ One friend of mine said "Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift."
~ Its like the trick to learn how to look for the right one and making it sure that we made the right choice.
~ Open your heart for another person.
~ Another opportunity of falling in love. Always say to yourself that if a relationship didn't work out and if you're still young, there's still 10 to 20 years of your life to find that special person.
~ No time is wasted because after each break up you'll learn something more about yourself to which kind of person you'd want to end up with and be able avoid committing mistakes that you've done before.
~ Letting go is not just letting go of that person you loved or still love, its also setting yourself free from all the pain and agony that your heart keeps throwing on you.
~ Moving on is hard.
~ But loving another one is whole new experience.